There is a story in the Bible about three men who were given talents and later questioned about what they did with them. Two of the folks used their talents, coins of that day, to invest, to grow other opportunities. One was afraid of losing his and buried it, returning no profit from the gift. He had the same options to use his gift to try out, engage, or create a path for more in his life, but his fear stopped him cold in his tracks. Been there?
The last two weeks have been almost a repeat of this moment in my life. Well, if we want to get technically accurate the last two years. Perfectionism and fear are twins you know and I seem to get suckered punched by them from time to time. “Oh I’m not a perfectionist I say…look at the mess around me” Uh hum….messes around us are often one of the symptoms of perfectionism all or nothing thinking and boy oh boy…uh hum…it can creep up in the strangest of ways.
The need became apparent that I had abilities to use my DSLR for on-location needs when a quick in space shot is needed. The projects I work with typically carry their own photographers, but we’re talking those intimate opportunities after or during a training, group time with friends, time at retreats and out with family, a DSLR with the ability to use wifi would be important.
Now I’m a get it done kind of girl, money in my life is just a thing … a tool to support and create ease in your business and life…I am not emotionally attached to spending it as long as there is a plan in place and budget I’ve earned provided for it….that is until it’s buying something for myself that I consider an “ease” purchase not an absolutely necessary one. Anyone else here having that issue with empowering their own happiness or success as they go?
The goal was to learn and engage a higher level DSLR before the end of the year personally. Uhm, there were only twelve days left as of yesterday….The self sabotage voices that danced in my head. “Do you really need that…your J1 will take a good enough picture” “Really, at Christmas? When so many could use the $ for groceries?” or my personal favorite in retrospect “But what if you cannot use it well enough” had gone on for over eleven months..and worse..I had listened! Perfectionism brings up all sort of shaming in my head…Brene’ Brown could do an expose’ on this shame and perfection encounter alone . (She’s fabulous by the way, read her books!)
Trolls, the truth is that I am a creative and have a good eye as my photographer friends share with me. I use cameras and video to engage stories for my clients, my friends and myself in a professional studio in Nashville often. The proposed purchase just isn’t a whim though that would be enough, I work hard and whims are allowed as a reward. It’s a tool for my enjoyment and also has purpose in my business. Money was saved, earned, and with proper equipment will be earned more easily when I have an easy to grab and go higher level DSLR Camera. The truth is that part of the reward of working as hard as I do is receiving the benefits of that work…the ability to purchase tools that bring ease and joy to living.
So what’s the deal Sweets? Why did it take six, yes SIX trips to stores over seven days to pull the trigger on this purchase? You had the money saved, you are more than okay with purchasing things for others or the business. I let perfectionistic “what if” fears creep in and dog me. I allowed emotional ties instead of logical ones come to play and waste my time. Truth is, the purchase at hand may not be “enough” still but for now its a good place to begin. The truth is over 1100 of my pictures have been used in professional settings that add to my income, and others have asked for them as well. The truth is that it is just fine to be a beginner, a learner, and an investor in my own growth. Not having the next level of equipment is like burying the gift. It limits my growth and that growth I can share with others as I learn.
What are you gifts? How do you engage growing them? What are you learning? Is avoiding or avoidance part of your perfectionism? The last few weeks as I literally struggled to figure out what was going on with this silly process of buying a camera I came again to the root of it…fear. The paralyzing self talk that says “what if purchasing this is a waste of resources”…I have some visual issues that complicate using equipment…and the obvious answer is “try it and see, and if it’s not a fit return it” Risk looking silly. Risk being a beginner. Risk doing something you love just because. Risk making the mistake, heaven knows I make them every day in many areas of life. Risk to dare whimsy to learn the new skills that you truly desire to do.